Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Nerves, Stress, and Doubt!

Alright so, this is going to be the most depressing post I'll probably ever write, but hopefully it's a window into what I'm currently feeling.

The students leaving for the year program in Italy fly out tomorrow night. I can't even explain how jealous I am. They have their applications done, their trip paid for, and their visas done. Guess what I have? Nothing. No full application yet. No money at all. No visa. I'm so worried.

Basically, I've spent the past two weeks thinking about this exchange and what it means to me. In June, I looked into it for fun. Just something to consider and look at and dream about. Over three months, I've fallen in love with the idea. I want to go to another country. I want to learn a new language. I want to experience a new culture. I want to explore. I want to travel. I want to start living.

I'm so worried about not getting funded. It literally scares me to the point where I want to just give up all the time. It's hard to stay positive when you've made effort with no luck. I've sat here and thought about how much money I'm NOT making and how I'll NEVER be able to go and this was all silly and I should've never even started this process. Lately, the side of me that started this journey is screaming at me. Why haven't I made attempts at fundraising? Why do I get home and nap, instead of writing emails, making phone calls, or visiting businesses asking for a minute of their time to explain my trip? Why am I sitting here, saying "I can't, I can't, I can't" when in reality, I'm not, I'm not I'm not?

Advice for any future exchangers: Do NOT lose hope! If you want it bad enough, somehow it will happen. I need to take this more seriously and get dedicated to fundraising and make a darn effort. It's not going to just fall in my lap. I'm not going to stumble upon an abandoned briefcase with 9,000 dollars. I have to work for it, I have to grow up, and I have to take myself a lot more seriously.

Starting today I'm going to make it known that this is what I'm doing and I'm going to get it no matter what. I need to start establishing myself as a foreign exchanger instead of a "possible foreign exchanger". I AM leaving in January, and I WILL live in Italy for 6 months! Prayers, donations, advice, anything at this point is very appreciated.

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